EXTRACT FOR
Barney Collins, Pi
(Author Unknown)

     I stopped to get my breath. I was breathless because, ironically, I was running from a man I had been following. He caught on to that fact and took exception to it. The big son of a bitch ran after me for nearly ten blocks. Fortunately, he was in worse shape than I was. My name is Barney Collins. 

     I was bending over in somebody?s backyard hoping the reddish haze would soon lift from my eyes. I remember climbing a fence, but little else about the chase. Being a private investigator sometimes gets a little hairy.

     ?Are you going to be all right?? a female voice said from the shadows. I did not think I had any energy left, but I managed to jump about a foot off the ground. ?Are you chasing or being chased?? she asked.

     ?Being?chased,? I gasped. ?Big?gang. After?me.?  For all I knew there could have been more than one.

     ?You want some water or something?? she asked.

     ?Beer,? I said. This was no time to get healthy.  When she moved I saw her in the shadows. Now that I wasn?t seeing stars from oxygen deprivation, I also saw that there was a swimming pool. If I hadn?t stopped when I did, I would have plunged right in. I would have drowned, too, because I didn?t have had enough energy to swim out.

     ?Here you go,? she said reappearing out of the darkened house. Damned woman must have eyes like a cat. She handed me a bottle of German beer. Not that I have anything against imported beer, but I normally only drink the domesticated type of brew. ?Are you a police officer?? she asked.

     ?No, private,? I answered. Speech was coming a little easier now. I could tell that she had a nice figure even in the dark. When the moon came out from behind a cloud, I could see that she was wearing a bathing suit. ?Thanks for the beer,? I said. ?Maybe saved my life. You?re my hero.? 

     ?You?re welcome. I usually keep some on hand for drop in guests. By private, you mean a rent-a-cop??

     ?No, I?m a licensed private investigator. My name is Barnabas Collins. Barney to my friends.?

     ?PI, huh? That must be an exciting job. How did you get involved with a gang??

     ?Well, was a barefaced lie? It was only one guy. A big guy, but just one of him.? I?m not much on lieing. I?m really not very good at it and I don?t even try very often.

     ?What did you do to piss him off at you??

     ?I?m working for his wife. Maybe more correctly, I was working for his wife. I think the cat?s out of the bag now. She suspected him of cheating on her. As a matter of fact, he was and I had the goods on him. Tonight was supposed to be the icing on that cake, but it went south and?well, he wasn?t happy about finding me on his tail. Is there a gate I can get out of? I?m not sure I can climb back out over that fence.?

     Laughing she led me to a side gate. In the glow of the streetlight, I saw she was a very attractive woman. I judged her age at late twenties or early thirties.  Any other time I would have been tempted to stay and be better acquainted. I handed her the empty bottle.

     ?Thanks, ma?am,? I said. ?Looks like the coast is clear so I?ll be on my way.?

     ?Drop in anytime,? she said with a girlish giggle that I found nice. ?My name is Andrea Taylor. My friends call me Andi.? For a moment, I didn?t get it. then I did. Andi Taylor, sheriff of Mayberry.  I was a block away when it dawned on me that we were a match. Andi and Barney. I wasn?t wild about how it matched up, but what the hell.  I made it out of the neighborhood, found my car unmolested, and went home. 



     The next morning, nearly at the crack of noon, I was in my small office, finishing the report on the wayward hubby. I say my office is small, but in reality, it?s tiny. One room with a filthy toilet, but it was large enough for my desk and chair that I salvaged from along side the street, a file cabinet, bought fifth hand at a garage sale, and a hip sprung nasty sofa, also salvaged. I had a couple wooden client chairs for those rare times someone actually came in to see me. I looked up when the door opened. It was my friend from last night. She looked a bit different in the daylight and wearing cloths, but I recognized her.

     ?Hello, Barney,? she said. ?Do you happen to know anybody named Gomer or Goober??

     ?Hi, Mayberry,? I said. ?Know a guy by the name of Gomez. Will that work?? She giggled.

     ?No, not even close. Nice place you got here.?

     ?No it isn?t,? I said grinning at her. ?It?d be a rat hole if there was anything for a rat to eat and there wasn?t holes in the wall big enough for cats to get in. What brings you to my office, such as it is??

     ?How are you at finding missing people?? she asked wiping the dust from one of the client chairs before sitting down.

     ?Pretty good,? I admitted. ?Do you have somebody missing??

     ?My husband,? she answered nodding her head. ?Can you do better than the police??

     ?Almost always,? I answered modestly. ?They have a lot to do and I only have one thing to do at a time. How long has he been missing??

     ?Be a year next month,? she said. ?Is that too long to start searching??

     ?No, it?s a cold trail, but I can look,? I said. ?Look, Mayberry, I have to tell you up front that it may not work out like you want. If your husband has stayed away this long one of two things has happened. One, he?s dead and his body hasn?t turned up, and two, he?s really gone to ground. By that, I mean he?s hid himself damned good. It could be expensive and you have to ask yourself if it?s worth it and can you afford it??

     ?I can afford it,? she said. ?My aunt died a few months ago and left me everything. I?m not rich, but I?m not hurting either. The cops looked around a little, but I got the feeling they just thought he had left me without benefit of a divorce.  If he?s dead, Barney, I need to know it.?

     ?I have to ask you why you waited nearly a year to hire a PI.?

     ?Until my aunt passed I couldn?t afford it. Also, I didn?t know any private detectives until last night.? She giggled again.

     ?Okay then, I?ll get to digging.? I went over my fee and took her deposit. I work off a retainer at seventy-five dollars an hour. Andi wrote me a check for five grand and thereby bought herself a little over sixty-five hours of my time.

     After she left I started the clock by calling a buddy of mine who still worked for the police. I had the report in my hands in less than an hour. I was at the city police department at a spare desk.

     According to the report, Harold William Taylor left for work at about seven fifteen on May fifteenth, a Thursday. He kissed his wife, Andrea, patted his dog, and drove away, supposedly to his job at the Firebird Arsenal plant where he was an engineer. He never checked in at the plant and was never seen by anyone again. A check by police of his friends and coworkers indicated that he had not said anything to any of them. In addition, they indicated that he had appeared normal for the days preceding his disappearance. They all reported that Howard seemed to be his usual calm, relaxed, and cheerful self. 

     Andi?s official statement pretty well coincided with what she had told me. After Howard left for work, she finished dressing and she too left for work. Apparently, Howard was a reliable person and when he didn?t come home that evening, she started checking around for him. He wasn?t known to hang out in bars after work so she called his friends. By midnight she was frantic and called the police who checked the local hospitals and of course, the morgue. After that, there were a couple of days the cops did nothing. That?s what most police departments do for a missing spouse. Missing people usually show up in a couple of days with a wild and mostly unbelievable story.

     Four days after his disappearance, Howard?s car, a two-year-old Honda, was found in the short-term parking lot at the airport. The abandoned vehicle gave no clues as to what happened to Taylor. A check of the airport surveillance cameras did not show anyone matching Howard?s description buying a ticket or boarding an airplane. Of course that didn?t mean someone else hadn?t bought his ticket.

     The police kept a careful watch on Howard?s credit cards for several months, but there was no activity.  Same for the couple?s joint checking account. His Mother was dead, but Howard?s father, who lived with his sister in Atlanta, didn?t know anything and had not been contacted by Howard. He was as mystified as Andi. I spent several hours going over the police report, hand-copying most of it in my notebook. It was time for the heart-to-heart I promised Andi.

     Nothing in the police report was a surprise to Andi when I told her about it. She showed no emotion as I read it to her. Of course, she had eleven months to get over the emoting stage, so I didn?t read anything into it. 

     ?Tell me about the day before Howard disappeared,? I said. ?That would have been the fourteenth, a Wednesday.?

     ?I don?t know what to say,? she said. ?Nothing comes to mind about that day. Just another workday for both of us. Oh yes, Howard worked late that night. He didn?t get home until after ten o?clock.?

     ?Was that unusual??

     ?No, not really. He worked late sometimes. Maybe a couple times a month. He always called me so I wouldn?t worry.?

     ?Did he call you that night??

     ?Yes, of course.?

     ?Did he mention anything unusual happening that night??

     ?No, but that wasn?t unusual. Howard didn?t talk about his work outside the workplace. The company has a strict policy about that, especially in Howard?s department.?

     ?What department was that??

     ?Research and development,? Andi said, getting me a beer out of the refrigerator. ?Howard worked on a lot of super secret stuff. I learned early on not to even ask him about work.?

     ?Okay, Andi,? I said. ?Now comes the hard part. I?m going to get up-close and personal. How were things between you and Howard??

     ?Good,? she answered immediately. ?We were planning a party to celebrate our fifth wedding anniversary. Barney, I know you have to ask these questions. Howard and I were very happy together. I mean Howard wasn?t very exciting, but he was dependable.?

     ?No children??

     ?No, neither of us wanted children. I mean sometime, but not while we were having to work the hours we did. I wish?? she shook herself. ?No point in crying over spilt milk is there?? 

      ?Not much,? I said. ?It?s easy to second guess yourself. So Howard didn?t cheat on you? That you know of??

    ?No, I?m pretty sure he didn?t. Like I said, Howard was predictable and easy going. I?m sure I would have known if he was cheating on me.?

     ?Were you cheating on him??

     ?No!? she answered quickly. Too quickly? Maybe. I?d come back to that subject. ?Do you think he?s dead, Barney??

     ?Too early to be guessing, Mayberry. While it?s possible, it?s difficult for a person to hide and stay hidden very long. Your husband worked in a plant that makes defense material. He was fingerprinted and had retinal scans. If he is alive, he?s not working at his profession or any position that requires a background check. Did he have any other skills??

     ?I don?t know if it is considered a skill, but he made model airplanes, ships, rockets and just about anything else of that nature. He loved working with his hands. He made that table over there and that chair beside it. He made it out in the garage.? She got that sad look again looking at the table. ?He finished it a couple days before?before he disappeared.?  Frankly the table wasn?t all that good. Better than I could have done, but not the work of a craftsman. I continued to pick her brain for another hour and left.